An Open Letter to Verizon...

Dear Verizon Wireless,

You were the best phone company I'd ever had. You always kept a strong signal, you never dropped a call, and you always had the most phenomenal customer service. I left you in January for clown-of-the-town AT&T for one painfully simple reason: they don't lock their GPS.

Stupid right? Yeah. But so stupid that I'm willing to fork over a couple grand to your competitor because of it. You are the only wireless carrier dumb enough to put your "navigation" product up against in-car systems (included in most new vehicles), and all of the dash-mounted systems littering electronic stores. Disabling the GPS on your phones didn't make me want to buy "VZ Navigator" to recover those capabilities, it made me walk out. I would truly love to see some figures on how many subscriptions you have for that service.

I'll be honest, if you ever enable GPS on your smartphones, I'll pay the cancellation fee with AT&T to rejoin you without thinking twice. But I resent you for trying to trick me into paying extra for something that other carriers are providing for free.

You're better than that, Verizon.

Dropping calls left and right,
-brs

8 Ways That I Waste My Money

Amidst my attempts to maintain a life of fiscal conservatism and frugality, there always seems to be something that tricks my money into divorcing my bank account and running off to the toilet to swirl with the rest of life's waste. Here's a quick look at 8 things that I consistently find myself wasting my money on...

1) Alcohol.
Other than being in the moment, there's no reason to pay for the 500% markup on booze. Sure I'm paying for atmosphere, but I don't remember the last time I paid a 500% markup for a Gatorade just because I purchased it a swanky gas station and they opened it for me. Yet despite this, I still return to bars again and again...

2) Eating out for Lunch.
I spend about $45/week on lunch when I could instead wake up 10 minutes earlier to $15 with of bread, meat, cheese, and chips I could've purchased from Safeway. Another $30 swing on behalf of an extra 50 minutes of sleep per week. (That and Thai food tastes better than my sorry ass ham and cheese.)

3) Cabs.
Economic principles are obviously at work here when choosing to a take $20/10 minute cab vs. a $2/40 minute bus--although I can't lie to myself; half the time it's not even because I'm late...I'm just lazy. Then I wind up thinking to myself, "if someone told me they would pay me $18 to wait on them for 30 minutes, hell yeah I'd do it!" Of course no one thinks like that.

4) Gadgets.
Like every child in the US who got an RC truck for Christmas only to give it up come New Years, I always find myself with some gadget that's a fully functional 'nice-to-have-for-now'. I recently purchased an iPod, only to consolidate all of my music to my Blackberry. I also upgraded my computer's internal hard drive only to soon purchase an external drive onto which I've moved everything that matters to me. That money could've gone towards the purchase of a new netbook...which I bought anyway- guh.

5) Clothes.
If you're anything like me, you wear 30% of your wardrobe on repeat. I simply rotate in my jeans or shorts depending on the temp outside, my shirts stay the same, and if necessary, I throw a jacket on. I'm beginning to see however, that I'll buy things that look good- mmm, twice, then simply resolve that it doesn't work with anything else. I figure, "so what if I 'might' wear it?"...though- I'm not going to wear it.

6) Food Accessories for One-Time Meals.
It makes me ill thinking that I bought that value-pak of Anchovy Paste for that one sandwich I made myself 8 months ago. That's what poaching packets from the deli is for.

7) ATM Fees.
$2.50 from the machine + $2.50 from B of A = a $5 footlong. Yet somehow I'm always too lazy to walk down the street to my own ATM or to find a drug store to snag some cash back. Seriously though, it's theft.

8) Not Eating Before going to the Airport.
Random, but lets see...a $3 deli sandwich from safeway, or that SAME deli sandwich for $7.50 at the terminal. I never have the presence of mind to take care of this as I'm bolting out the door for a flight that I only had ALL DAY to prepare for. Either way, that money could go towards booze on the plane that'll make the screaming child and bad parenting a little more bearable. (That's a whole other post because I firmly believe that if you think you can bargain and/or reason with an unruly 4 year old, you're a moron.)

"Bitch, where is my money?" - Dave Chappelle (as The Count)

Vick Jersey Censorship

To quote the beloved Terrell Owens, the No Fun League (NFL) has struck again, and this time, via online shopping.

What happened?
So my boy Chuck, the only Eagles fan to hail from central Cali, decided to log-on to NFL shop to purchase some new digs for the 2009 season. In light of this, what better player to welcome to Philadelphia than the much maligned Michael Dwayne Vick.

While purchasing his customized Vick jersey, he found that many of his creative selections were being denied...Name plates such as:

"Woof"
"Dog Fight"
"Puppy"
"PETA"
"McGruff"

Returned the following error message:

"Your current entry cannot be processed. Language deemed inappropriate, derogatory, or profane will not be accepted. Please create a new entry. "

Someone at NFL is apparently dating a PETA member who loves Brad Pitt because if you simply enter "Fight" or "Fight Club" You'll be greeted with:

Great choice! To purchase your customized jersey, click on "ADD TO CART."

I guess that free speech is only free so long as those in control approve.

I know that you have to draw the line somewhere between tasteful and distasteful, but it's not like this is profanity slapped on the back of a Jersey by which little Billy will taint his purity. Billy will do that on his own by simply entering the parking lot of Lincoln Financial Field.

These are some other notable shirts which slipped by filters:

Upon submission of "GRRRRRR" to NFL shop, the following was returned a day later:

We regret to inform you that we are unable to complete your order. If
you elected to pay with a debit/check card, your statement may already
reflect the charge for this order. You will be credited for the order
amount. If you elected to pay with a credit card, it will not be billed
at all. We sincerely apologize for this inconvenience.


The following item(s) is unavailable and has been cancelled from your
order:

Item: 2754676
Description: PHE REP BLANK JRY S-2X EAGLES BLACK-LARGE
Quantity: 1 @ $ 99.99


Your satisfaction is very important to us. If you have any questions
about your order, call Customer Service at 877 NFL SHOP.
We will be more than happy to assist you.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused if this action
was taken in error. We appreciate your business.

Best Regards,

Customer Service
nflshop.com

But don't worry NFL...when we Americans get lazy, we get creative!

Porky Pig

You're one of 2 people...

1) You think you're going to be sick.

2) You're thinking "Porky, you've got a future on my breakfast plate and I can't wait.

Admittedly, I was grossed out when I first saw this- until I imagined him as crispy ribbons of meat candy *drool

http://www.good.is/post/nice-to-meat-you/

Why is my reciept so long?!

Don't blame me if I'm just another piece of the masses who chooses to hide behind his computer instead of getting out there and trying to make something happen- But this 14" long beauty was too much to pass up on sharing with folks- "Arthur, I need to make a return. Now go fetch my friggin Medieval scroll!"

Why in the hell is it necessary to print a receipt this huge for a 2 item purchase?? Well, according to Walgreens, it's for the following reasons:

1) to direct me to walgreens.com; just in case something happens to the 3 locations currently open within a 2 block radius of me and I have the hankering desire to pay for the shipping of Walgreens generic brand hand sanitizer.

2) to offer me membership in the Walgreens Prescription Savings Club, instead of just doing so when I ACTUALLY go back to fill one.

3) to solicit my feedback via an online survey with the chance to win $3,000 cash which will never be paid out anyway. (Seriously, Google it and let me know if you can find a winner)

Functional? No
Wasteful? Yes
Annoying? Absolutely (This thing is longer than the wads of toilet paper that I pull)

If you have any suggestions on how to make this stop, I'm all ears. Maybe I'm complaining, or maybe I'm just commenting; either way, it's clearly unnecessary.