To Text or Not To Text...

THAT, is a stupid question. Now allow me to qualify the fact that I'll go dark on my friends all the time and cut a text conversation short because I saw a butterfly cross my line of sight; however when it comes to the dating 'game', I die a little inside every time I hear someone suggest, or employ, the notion that returning a text the next day or week is the best way to go. Anyone with $0.50 worth of self-respect should forget about you by then. Besides, if you need that long to come up with some witty, yet slightly evasive reply to a simple "what're you up to this weekend?", your shit's weak. Couple that with the fact that we can't even use the bathroom without taking our phones with us nowadays and it becomes painfully obvious that you're only fooling yourself. Sure you've been really busy...but not so busy that you weren't willing to risk your life and the lives of others by texting while driving.

Look...

If you want to talk to them, call. If you want to text them, do that. If you're done with them, don't reply. If they don't want to hear from you, they won't reply.

I understand that phones die, get lost, run away, etc., but if you're into someone- sack up and let them know. Afterall, if you play hide-and-seek long enough, you may just find yourself with the best spot in the yard all by your lonesome.

Laughter (302)

Social Functions of Laughter

Laughter is arguably the most universal symbol of approval in all human communication. Although a commodity in endless supply, we still selectively distribute our laughter to those sources that we deem worthy of this affection.

Regardless, I can't help but think that funny is funny...right? Nope.

Why is it that a joke from a person you like will elicit neck-breaking laughter, while that SAME joke from someone you don't care for will elicit contempt? Why do we gleefully yokel along to a bad story while out on a date, yet foghorn our classmate who's similar recount of high school is (boooooooooooooorrrriiiiiiiiinggggg)?

Do we perhaps use laughter as a means of balancing social equity? Like electing the candidate with the most votes, typically the most approved person in a group is the person with the most laughs from the most people...

But maybe not...

This post isn't meant to shed light on anything, rather have you consider how you personally use laughter when interacting with the people around you. Are you the person that laughs too loud at the joke that's isn't THAT funny? Are you the person that refuses to crack a smile when everyone else is in stitches? Maybe you're neither...but you're definitely something, and more importantly; why?

"I Only Smoke When I Drink"

Probably one of my top 20 favorite replies to hear whenever I ask someone, "are you a smoker?" Without fail, "I only smoke when I drink" always elicits both an eyebrow raise as well as a Scooby-Doo, 'Aroo?' What exactly does this even mean?

At first glance...
It means exactly what it says- but only because they're in denial about the fact that they're a smoker to begin with. Yes there's a stigma associated with smoking and it's clear that they don't identify with it, but c'moooon. If you're going to do it, you've got to own it! When I asked a friend of mine (who was huffing on a ciggy in the corner while oggling women and flippin' nickels) if they were a smoker, their reply: "Hell no! I only smoke when I drink". Well, according to deductive reasoning, you're smoking right now- ergo...you're a smoker. I feel like it's the equivalent me saying "I only drink coffee when I'm tired, but I'm not a coffee drinker". Well, if every time I begin to doze I start throwing down the latte's, then I'm definitely a coffee drinker.

The reason why you "only smoke when you drink" honestly doesn't matter. Better buzz? Cool. Makes you look sexier? Cool. Afterall, I love my smoker friends just as much as my non-smoker friends. Either way, all I'm saying is to own it... There's no need to qualify or justify it if you're making a conscious decision to do it every time you venture out on the town.

When Something is Too Funny...

I may or may not have cried while watching this over and over-

Talk? Thanks, But I'll Text...

If you're anything like me, you have too many minutes, you hate voicemail, and your standard method of communication is via text or messaging. Why then, does my beloved cellular provider force me into a voice plan with a sea of minutes that I will never use? Why can't she instead offer a data and messaging heavy plan featuring--mmm, 100 minutes for far cheaper?

Oh, because she wants my money. I can either pay $0.50/minute without a voice plan, or spend $39.99/mo to use $8 worth. You’re goosing me good AT&T.

If you take a look at my usage above, I have 2230 rollover minutes which expire after 1 year. If we turn this into raw numbers, that’s the equivalent of about 5 months worth of unused minutes. You’re goosing me reeeeal good AT&T.

I can’t help but pose the question: what would you do with 100 minutes per month on your cellular plan? Would you text, Facebook, Blackberry Message, and Google Talk as much as you already do? Probably…and you still wouldn’t use those minutes.

Lets do some quick math…According to my plan right now, I have roughly 7,465 unused minutes. In order for me to knock all of that down (holding day/night & weekend constant), I would have to talk on the phone for a little over 5 consecutive days.

…but that would never happen since most of my communication is executed with my thumbs.

...On Women's Halloween Costumes

So I was thinking to myself today, why do some women go out of their way to be 'sexy' on Halloween? I know that we all love dressing up and enjoy being outside of ourselves if only for one night, but why are some women almost eager to hop into their skimpiest 'she-devil' get up or squeeze into that 'sexy nurse' costume?

It strikes me as odd as I typically find that the women with their breasts breaching the levees of their tank-tops are the SAME ones who criticize others who are similarly dressed. In other words, there's the subtle undertone that "my sexy is your slutty".

...Interesting...

So because of this, I must ask...Why would you dress up like someone that you would otherwise condemn? Afterall, you can't possibly tell me that the word 'slut' hasn't floated through your brain a time or 10 when watching those Bud Light girls walking through bars. Likewise, come showtime, you take yourself waaaaay too seriously.

If I'm off base, let me know, but I want to understand the logic...

OMG I feel so dirty...

...yet I can't look away.

Billie Ray you're a terrible father for allowing your daughter to masquerade around like this. Seriously... And what did you sign off on her doing at 3:03 ?!?!

Miley Cyrus - New Music - More Music Videos

Taylor Swift vs. Beyonce

Ok Kanye,

You're still a dick for what you did to Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMA's. For that I cannot defend you...

That said, Beyonce's video was hands down, far and away, leaps-and-bounds better than Taylor's 'been there done that' tweenie pop adolescent angst short-film. This is nothing against her music because I've (regrettably) jammed to a tune, or 3, of hers in my time. Maybe it's a directorial gripe. Either way, although I know that it was the people's choice, who the EFF was voting on this?!?!

Most folks didn't actually see the videos so lets do a side by side comparison. Seriously, how is there even a question??






You can decide for yourself but c'moooon?!

p.s. Kanye- hahaha I love your music, but you're looking kinda racist right now... learn from Lauryn Hill

An Open Letter to Verizon...

Dear Verizon Wireless,

You were the best phone company I'd ever had. You always kept a strong signal, you never dropped a call, and you always had the most phenomenal customer service. I left you in January for clown-of-the-town AT&T for one painfully simple reason: they don't lock their GPS.

Stupid right? Yeah. But so stupid that I'm willing to fork over a couple grand to your competitor because of it. You are the only wireless carrier dumb enough to put your "navigation" product up against in-car systems (included in most new vehicles), and all of the dash-mounted systems littering electronic stores. Disabling the GPS on your phones didn't make me want to buy "VZ Navigator" to recover those capabilities, it made me walk out. I would truly love to see some figures on how many subscriptions you have for that service.

I'll be honest, if you ever enable GPS on your smartphones, I'll pay the cancellation fee with AT&T to rejoin you without thinking twice. But I resent you for trying to trick me into paying extra for something that other carriers are providing for free.

You're better than that, Verizon.

Dropping calls left and right,
-brs

8 Ways That I Waste My Money

Amidst my attempts to maintain a life of fiscal conservatism and frugality, there always seems to be something that tricks my money into divorcing my bank account and running off to the toilet to swirl with the rest of life's waste. Here's a quick look at 8 things that I consistently find myself wasting my money on...

1) Alcohol.
Other than being in the moment, there's no reason to pay for the 500% markup on booze. Sure I'm paying for atmosphere, but I don't remember the last time I paid a 500% markup for a Gatorade just because I purchased it a swanky gas station and they opened it for me. Yet despite this, I still return to bars again and again...

2) Eating out for Lunch.
I spend about $45/week on lunch when I could instead wake up 10 minutes earlier to $15 with of bread, meat, cheese, and chips I could've purchased from Safeway. Another $30 swing on behalf of an extra 50 minutes of sleep per week. (That and Thai food tastes better than my sorry ass ham and cheese.)

3) Cabs.
Economic principles are obviously at work here when choosing to a take $20/10 minute cab vs. a $2/40 minute bus--although I can't lie to myself; half the time it's not even because I'm late...I'm just lazy. Then I wind up thinking to myself, "if someone told me they would pay me $18 to wait on them for 30 minutes, hell yeah I'd do it!" Of course no one thinks like that.

4) Gadgets.
Like every child in the US who got an RC truck for Christmas only to give it up come New Years, I always find myself with some gadget that's a fully functional 'nice-to-have-for-now'. I recently purchased an iPod, only to consolidate all of my music to my Blackberry. I also upgraded my computer's internal hard drive only to soon purchase an external drive onto which I've moved everything that matters to me. That money could've gone towards the purchase of a new netbook...which I bought anyway- guh.

5) Clothes.
If you're anything like me, you wear 30% of your wardrobe on repeat. I simply rotate in my jeans or shorts depending on the temp outside, my shirts stay the same, and if necessary, I throw a jacket on. I'm beginning to see however, that I'll buy things that look good- mmm, twice, then simply resolve that it doesn't work with anything else. I figure, "so what if I 'might' wear it?"...though- I'm not going to wear it.

6) Food Accessories for One-Time Meals.
It makes me ill thinking that I bought that value-pak of Anchovy Paste for that one sandwich I made myself 8 months ago. That's what poaching packets from the deli is for.

7) ATM Fees.
$2.50 from the machine + $2.50 from B of A = a $5 footlong. Yet somehow I'm always too lazy to walk down the street to my own ATM or to find a drug store to snag some cash back. Seriously though, it's theft.

8) Not Eating Before going to the Airport.
Random, but lets see...a $3 deli sandwich from safeway, or that SAME deli sandwich for $7.50 at the terminal. I never have the presence of mind to take care of this as I'm bolting out the door for a flight that I only had ALL DAY to prepare for. Either way, that money could go towards booze on the plane that'll make the screaming child and bad parenting a little more bearable. (That's a whole other post because I firmly believe that if you think you can bargain and/or reason with an unruly 4 year old, you're a moron.)

"Bitch, where is my money?" - Dave Chappelle (as The Count)

Vick Jersey Censorship

To quote the beloved Terrell Owens, the No Fun League (NFL) has struck again, and this time, via online shopping.

What happened?
So my boy Chuck, the only Eagles fan to hail from central Cali, decided to log-on to NFL shop to purchase some new digs for the 2009 season. In light of this, what better player to welcome to Philadelphia than the much maligned Michael Dwayne Vick.

While purchasing his customized Vick jersey, he found that many of his creative selections were being denied...Name plates such as:

"Woof"
"Dog Fight"
"Puppy"
"PETA"
"McGruff"

Returned the following error message:

"Your current entry cannot be processed. Language deemed inappropriate, derogatory, or profane will not be accepted. Please create a new entry. "

Someone at NFL is apparently dating a PETA member who loves Brad Pitt because if you simply enter "Fight" or "Fight Club" You'll be greeted with:

Great choice! To purchase your customized jersey, click on "ADD TO CART."

I guess that free speech is only free so long as those in control approve.

I know that you have to draw the line somewhere between tasteful and distasteful, but it's not like this is profanity slapped on the back of a Jersey by which little Billy will taint his purity. Billy will do that on his own by simply entering the parking lot of Lincoln Financial Field.

These are some other notable shirts which slipped by filters:

Upon submission of "GRRRRRR" to NFL shop, the following was returned a day later:

We regret to inform you that we are unable to complete your order. If
you elected to pay with a debit/check card, your statement may already
reflect the charge for this order. You will be credited for the order
amount. If you elected to pay with a credit card, it will not be billed
at all. We sincerely apologize for this inconvenience.


The following item(s) is unavailable and has been cancelled from your
order:

Item: 2754676
Description: PHE REP BLANK JRY S-2X EAGLES BLACK-LARGE
Quantity: 1 @ $ 99.99


Your satisfaction is very important to us. If you have any questions
about your order, call Customer Service at 877 NFL SHOP.
We will be more than happy to assist you.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused if this action
was taken in error. We appreciate your business.

Best Regards,

Customer Service
nflshop.com

But don't worry NFL...when we Americans get lazy, we get creative!

Porky Pig

You're one of 2 people...

1) You think you're going to be sick.

2) You're thinking "Porky, you've got a future on my breakfast plate and I can't wait.

Admittedly, I was grossed out when I first saw this- until I imagined him as crispy ribbons of meat candy *drool

http://www.good.is/post/nice-to-meat-you/

Why is my reciept so long?!

Don't blame me if I'm just another piece of the masses who chooses to hide behind his computer instead of getting out there and trying to make something happen- But this 14" long beauty was too much to pass up on sharing with folks- "Arthur, I need to make a return. Now go fetch my friggin Medieval scroll!"

Why in the hell is it necessary to print a receipt this huge for a 2 item purchase?? Well, according to Walgreens, it's for the following reasons:

1) to direct me to walgreens.com; just in case something happens to the 3 locations currently open within a 2 block radius of me and I have the hankering desire to pay for the shipping of Walgreens generic brand hand sanitizer.

2) to offer me membership in the Walgreens Prescription Savings Club, instead of just doing so when I ACTUALLY go back to fill one.

3) to solicit my feedback via an online survey with the chance to win $3,000 cash which will never be paid out anyway. (Seriously, Google it and let me know if you can find a winner)

Functional? No
Wasteful? Yes
Annoying? Absolutely (This thing is longer than the wads of toilet paper that I pull)

If you have any suggestions on how to make this stop, I'm all ears. Maybe I'm complaining, or maybe I'm just commenting; either way, it's clearly unnecessary.

What I'll be laughing about today...

"Treat 'em how they act"

I've been in trouble several times using this approach with others, yet somehow I simply cannot shake the fact that it is absolutely useful and absolutely necessary when navigating certain situations.

Remember that bratty girl from the bar last week? You probably treated her like the snotty little girl that she was being?

What about that friend who's likely the kindest, sweetest person you've ever been blessed enough to know? You probably treat them like gold.

Dave Chappelle provides the best explanation for this phenomenon, and I must say, I don't feel bad when I do this.

Auditing President Obama

Since moving to San Francisco I've been missing the political dialogue in which I used to engage while working back in DC. I was recently surfing through the website of my old digs over at National Journal when I came across a droolfully compelling section that they have neatly labeled as The Promise Audit. The summary reads:

"As memories of the campaign trail fade, it’s easy to forget some of the more than 200 promises made by Barack Obama. Use the directory below to follow along as NationalJournal.com reporters track progress made by the Obama administration in keeping its word to Americans."

I'll admit that I'm as hardcore an Obama supporter as the old black man who lived through Jim Crow south and was blessed enough to see her black president inaugurated; however as with anyone, we should certainly nurture circumspect thinking coupled with the desire to keep him honest. I do have faith that Obama will stick by his campaign promises and meet the American people (at least) half way if not more, but we'll see.

The funny thing was that as I surfed through some of these "campaign quotes", I could still hear the passion, conviction, even the inflection of then Senator Obama's voice. Since then, high hopes have dissolved into a necessity for practical application and now it's time to either put up, or prove correct those who said that our President is "just a bunch of words".

In assuming that most of you are relatively RSS savvy, I strongly recommend that you add Obama's Campaign Promises to your reader as it'll just automatically update for you.

A Crime Twitter? Really???

My school has a crime Twitter???

Google Latitude - The Gift and The Curse

Google has launched an app that allows you to see where your friends are on a map. Cool huh? They call it Google Latitude and it looks like a GREAT way to keep up the various locations of your friends...or simply get raw-dog stalking people. I'll offer two examples of each and allow you to do the rest in deciding whether or not this a program for you. Remember, these are just two of infinite examples regarding the potential held within this application. Pick your poison.

The Gift:
For example, you're out on a Friday nite and you have a penchant for losing things...i.e., your phone. Make sure your battery is charged and turn this puppy on. If you wake to find your phone elsewhere, simply login to "locate" your phone. Should you be so lucky as to reach its general vicinity, then you're already leaps and bounds ahead of attempting to remember cab number 413I-23442 or calling your friend with the phone that you no longer have.

The Mediator: There is a setting which allows you to hide your location which is great when you feel a hankering for rewinding to the dark ages of 2007.

The Curse:
This is a crazy girlfriend/boyfriend's gold mine! If ever they levy the mandate, "I'd prefer that you keep it on all the times so that we know where each other are located around the city", you're effed. The catostrophic consequences that something like this could have on a relationship are both horrific and hilarious. How many relationships have been ruined by an errant email or text message? Too bad now that your psycho partner can get a real-time play-by-play of your where abouts, all of your friends will be laughing at the expense of your cyber jail. Run Forrest...run-

Excluding those two dumbass examples, I'm pleased with the flexibility provided by the product and would love to have more of my friends on it; if for no other reason than the fact that I enjoy maps and I enjoy reading the gmail status updates of my friends. In all, this has the potential to become one of the biggest productivity drains since facebook, youtube, online games, and email chains. But who cares. Pretty soon, ppl will know what I'm thinking and the notion of only knowing what I'm doing will seem as antiquated as placing a call with Zach Morris' 20oz cellphone.

More Bio Education Please

Overheard on bus this morning-

Guy on phone: "So what species of Asian was she?"

Heart Warmth

As I got onto the bus this morning, I could see the bay fog beginning to approach the city and the inevitable gray-out to ensue. I must say however, there's nothing like having a blah morning, then meeting the cutest kid in the world on the bus who is smiling and loving life.

This 3-4 year old next to me was just sort of messing with his mother, but otherwise looking around at all of the adults making their trek to work. Some of us were reading, others checking emails, other listening to ipods. (I was one of the email checkers.) Of course the kid looks at me and asks, "What's that?" "It's a Blackberry", I replied. What he said at this point was something that absolutely floored me coming from a 4 year old, but more importantly, it was something that was so natural and pure. "I hope it's a pwetty day in der because it's a pwetty day outside too." *insert me melting*

I couldn't help but reflect on what this child had just said. Too often do I not pause to reflect, pause to enjoy, pause to appreciate, nor just pause. Maybe this will be the first of many mornings where my commute will include appreciating the pretty day, no matter what the weather.